Difficult conversations: how to discuss what matters most

Sort out the three conversations

Stop arguing about who's right: explore each other's stories

Don't assume they meant it: disentangle intent from impact

Abandon blame: map the contribution system

Have your feelings (or they will have you)

Ground your identity: ask yourself what's at stake

What's your purpose?: when to raise it and when to let go

Getting started: begin from the third story

Learning: listen from the inside out

Expression: speak for yourself with clarity and power

Problem-solving: take the lead

Putting it all together

Ten questions people ask about difficult conversations

A road map to Difficult conversations

Sort out the three conversations

Stop arguing about who's right: explore each other's stories

Don't assume they meant it: disentangle intent from impact

Abandon blame: map the contribution system

Have your feelings (or they will have you)

Ground your identity: ask yourself what's at stake

What's your purpose? When to raise it and when to let go

Getting started: begin from the third story

Learning: listen from the inside out

Expression: Speak for yourself with clarity and power

Problem-solving: take the lead

Putting it all together.

Introduction

The problem ; 1 Sort out the three conversations

Shift to a learning stance

The "what happened?" conversation ; 2 Stop arguing about who's right: Explore each other's stories ; 3 Don't assume they meant it: Disentangle intent from impact ; 4 Abandon blame: Map the contribution system

The feelings conversation ; 5 Have your feelings (or they will have you)

The identity conversation ; 6 Ground your identity: Ask yourself what's at stake

Create a learning conversation ; 7 What's your purpose? When to raise it and when to let go ; 8 Getting started: Begin from the third story ; 9 Learning: Listen from the inside out ; 10 Expression: Speak for yourself with clarity and power ; 11 Problem-solving: Take the lead ; 12 Putting it all together

Ten questions people ask about difficult conversations ; 1. It sounds like you're saying everything is relative. Aren't some things just true, and can't someone simply be wrong? 2. What if the other person really does have bad intentions - lying, bullying, or intentionally derailing the conversation to get what they want? ; 3. What if the other person is genuinely difficult, perhaps even struggling with mental health issues? ; 4. What if the other side has more power, or the game is stacked against me? ; 5. If I'm the boss/parent, can't I just tell my subordinates/children what to do? ; 6. Isn't this a very American approach? How does it work in other cultures? ; 7. What about conversations that aren't face-to-face? What should I do differently if I'm on the phone, text, email, video call, or social media? ; 8. Why do you advise people to "bring feelings into the workplace"? I'm not a therapist, and shouldn't business decisions be made on the merits? ; 9. Who has time for all this in the real world? ; 10. My Identity Conversation keeps getting stuck in either-or: I'm perfect or I'm horrible. I can't seem to get past that. What can I do?